Facebook is great. It’s where we go to see what old friends are up to, get some news, organize events, and casually check to see if our exes are happier than we are. While Facebook is awesome for a lot of reasons, there’s still quite a bit of cringe-worthy, eye-rolling, gag inducing content that we have to sift through to enjoy one of our favorite social networks.
Here are five of the worst things you’ll see on your Facebook news feed.
5. Weird memes that try to guilt you into saying you like Jesus.
So, these come in variety of ways. Usually it’s an image of Jesus either on the cross or crying with something along the lines of: “I bet you won’t share this because you’re too embarrassed to have Jesus on your wall.” Give me a break. Whoever made this is just trying to drive traffic to their page by guilting you into circulating content.
Another version of the Jesus guilt meme is one that promises some sort of blessing that will happen to you if you type “Amen” and share the image. Really? Do people really go for that? They must if these things keep popping up on my news feed. The practice of religion is something that is meant to allow people to connect with something bigger than themselves and make the world a better place, not something that should be brought down to the level of birthday candles and wishing wells.
A while back I saw one that even threatened something bad if you didn’t share it. God must really be gunning for likes on his Facebook profile if that’s what he’s using to put together his list of people to smite.
Personally, I like seeing people post specific versus or religious thoughts that mean a lot to them. It’s also nice to see them offered as words of encouragement to people going through a rough time. But something that takes belief in a higher power and turns it into a lucky rabbit’s foot is just sad.
That being said, there are the occasional genuine religious posts that raise an eyebrow or two.
Like this one I saw back during election season, there was a story about a plane that Mike Pence was on that slid off the runway during a landing. Spoiler alert—he’s fine. But the top comment on that article was something like: “Oh wow! God’s protecting our future VP!” Really? That seems more like a failed smite attempt to me. You’d think the ideal form of protection would be the plane just landing like it meant to. But that’s neither here nor there.
4. Cooking tutorials.
These things are some of the worst things on Facebook and there are TONS of different pages that make them. Sure the food looks good at the end and maybe there are a few people out there who actually use them to start cooking, but that doesn’t mean they need to spread like the bubonic plague to every corner of the internet.
I swear that one of them was a quick-time demonstration of how to make nachos. The entire video was just putting shredded cheese and cooked beef over tortilla chips and then microwaving it for a minute or so. That’s not cooking! That’s a sad single-person dinner.
Sure, I’ll admit that I do this about once a week but you don’t see me making it into a video and passing it off as gourmet cooking. Plus the nachos at the end of video didn’t look anything like real-life microwave nachos. And the guy didn’t even include a step in the video about using the cutting board as a fan to wave in front of the fire alarm.
The ones that are more complicated than hot cheese on chips are the ones that might actually warrant a cooking tutorial. But those are obnoxious too because they always start out super simple and then get insanely complicated.
Whenever one of these eye-traps suckers me into watching it, I’m nodding on the other side of my computer screen like:
Ok, yeah! Two sticks of butter, I’ve got that!
Hmm. Hmm. Ok, a cup of brown sugar…don’t have that but I could get it.
What!? Where the hell do you get quail eggs!
Why are you puréeing that mixture?
Why can you only make this with a bread-maker?
Screw it! I guess I don’t want to make beef wellington after all.
3. Random images with vague quotes in them.
Look, I’m all for a good quote. I’ve even been known to share some of my favorites from time to time. And to be honest, think the practice of quote sharing is awesome especially if you’re sharing one because it meant a lot to you and you think it might mean a lot to someone else.
But please for the love of God, can we stop pretending that something is deep just because it has a dopey flock of birds swirling around in the background?
Ugh. Can someone please tell me what the background has to do with those words!? The words aren’t even that good! It reads like a half-hearted half-time speech from a coach that’s only half awake and barely interested.
Who knew grammar could be so intimate. Also, whose wedding photo is that? Does this couple know that their wedding album is being used to make a really dumb sentence sound profound?
Why are you putting quotation marks around this if you’re not going to say who said said it? Also, what does this even mean? What if I’m the one being lifted? Am I not rising? How far do you have to lift someone before you start levitating?
It really is all in the background. For some reason a quote with a good background is always going to seem deeper than it is. It can even make total nonsense read like Aristotle. Watch, I’ll show you what I mean.
The words in this picture are from the theme song for Family Guy.
And yeah, I know there are Facebook pages out there dedicated to making parodies of quotes but still—if I have to see one more “deep” revolution about heartache in Lucida Calligraphy font with a lonely girl on a swing in the background, I’ll train carrier pigeons to fly out my posts and never go online again.
2. Political stuff you agree with
It’s definitely no secret that our political atmosphere is deeply divided. Personally, I find it really sad that I find myself siding with people based on the same criteria that I use to yell “Go Pack!” to anyone wearing a Green Bay logo during football season.
But sadly, the reality is that all of us are more or less pitching our tents in a red camp or a blue camp with varying proximities to the bold lines dividing the parties. And to be totally honest with you, there are few things more annoying than someone on “your side” making you roll your eyes.
For instance, I hate seeing headlines like “90 year old woman DESTROYS Trump with one perfect sentence.” Really? Did that granny actually destroy Trump? Because I’m pretty sure he’s still doing his thing in Washington. And for that matter, if Nanna had the secret to undermining Trump, why the hell did she wait so long to say that one perfect sentence? I feel like there are a lot of people who would have been very grateful for that five word revolution last October.
Even worse than exaggerated headlines are the people who you agree with that start going on rants, calling people names, and just plain making it worse. They’re not even being original anymore. I’ve seen people on both sides using the “snowflake” and “blind sheep” lines. Then there’s the fact that both sides are about as clever as second graders who attach the suffix “-tard” to any words affiliated with the opposite party. Grow up. Seriously, dude from my sophomore philosophy class, I know why you’re angry but dial it back, man. You’re doing way more harm than good.
1. Political stuff you disagree with
Yeah as annoying as the people on your side of the picket line are, the people lobbing insults at your opinions are much worse. While the dude from sophomore philosophy might make you shake your head, that guy you don’t even remember adding to your friends list will really bring out your inner devil.
Oh! Call me a libtard will you? Well we’ll see about that! You motherf-
It’s hard to look at literally any news article on Facebook without watching the comments section devolve into an angry back and forth with both sides accusing the other of not doing research.
And really? That’s what you’re going to call it? Research? Sure, why not. I’m talking about both sides here when people post an article during an argument and then seem to smirk behind their keyboards feeling good because they bothered to google something that would support their side.
You can do it with any article too. No joke, I once read through a thread where one person accused the other of having the IQ of a goldfish and then the other guy posted an article about how goldfish actually have higher IQs than we previously thought.
His point was a sort of, “See you’re so stupid you can’t even come up with a good insult.” I have to say, it was a pretty creative response… for a Trumptard.
Thankfully there is one thing that Trumptards and Libtards can all agree on. Pets are pretty awesome. And at the end of the day, your dog or your cat doesn’t care who the president is. They’re just happy that you’re around.
So, in the spirit of animal awesomeness, here is a picture I took of my dog after she got all tuckered out and fell asleep with her favorite toy.